I'm Just A Wookie

Tim Ransom awake groaning from yet another of his nightmares. "First a bug, then a butt-ugly dog. Now what?" he thought. As he gathered what few coherent thoughts he had he took stock of what he felt. Two legs ... with feet! Yes! Two arms ... with hands! Yeah! And he could feel and wiggle his fingers! He had to be human again. As he slowly opened his eyes his sight fell on - hair. Acres and acres of hair. And the smell! Like a pack of pissed-on wet mongrel dogs.

He was a wookie. Sitting in the witness box, microphone right beneath his hairy chin. And standing there before him was Johnny Cochran.

Cochran: Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, SCO's attorneys would certainly want you to believe that IBM gave aid or comfort to Pamela Jones and Groklaw. And they make a good case. Hell, I almost felt pity myself! But, ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, I have one final thing I want you to consider. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it; that does not make sense!
Pamela Jones: Dammit!
Colonel Zen: What?
Dio: He's using the Chewbacca Defense!
Cochran: Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: What does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm a lawyer defending a major computer company, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca! Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberatin' and conjugatin' the Emancipation Proclamation, does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must find IBM guilty! The defense rests.

To Be Continued...

I'm Just A Dog

One morning Tim Ransom was waking up from another of his nightmarish dreams. This time he kept his eyes squeezed shut, hoping fervently he wasn't still a loathsome human cockroach. As he slowly swam up towards consciousness he realized he was sleeping on his side. Sleeping! On! His! Side! His body shook with excitement and anticipation as he further discovered he had only four legs! Just four legs! Four legs? Wait a minute... As Tim came fully awake he realized with growing horror that while he wasn't some gigantic loathsome bug, he certainly wasn't out of the woods yet. He looked down at his tiny body lying on top of the bed sheets and realized he was a dog! And not any normal dog, either. Not some heroic hound, but a butt-ugly clock-stopping mongrel that nearly made him heave just to look at himself.

What had he done to deserve such a fate? First a cockroach, now this! And the strange desires that ran through his little mind. It took nearly all his conscious will to keep from cleaning his balls. Wait. He didn't have any. They'd been removed by the vet. What a relief! He dropped his head back down on the bed and whimpered to himself as he wallowed in his self-pity. As he lay there, he heard a rattling of the bedroom doorknob. As his head shot up and turned towards the bedroom door he saw, framed angelically in the doorway, leash in her hand, his one true love and master, PJ! Pamela was there to take him to the vet!

To Be Continued...

I'm Just A Bug

One morning, as Tim Ransom was waking up from nightmarish dreams he discovered he'd remained in his natural state as a monstrously putrid human cockroach. He lay twitching on his immense chitinous back in the middle of his groaning bed. As he lifted his head up with difficulty, he caught sight of his brown, arched abdomen divided up into slime exuding bow-like sections. From this height he saw the slime soaked blanket as it lay firmly cemented over the lower part of his segmented abdomen. His numerous legs, pitifully thin in comparison to the rest of his immense form, flickered helplessly before his eyes.

To Be Continued...