I'm Just An Asshole

One day, as Timothy Ransom gently strummed his guitar (and wished he had enough cash to put unbroken strings on it so he could make some real noise), the question ever so slowly tripped and stumbled across his drug- and alcohol-ravaged mind; "Am I truly an Asshole?"

You see, Timothy was trying to figure out why everyone wasn't throwing themselves at his feet in utter adoration of his wit, talent, and good looks (of which, truth be told, he had very little of any). But Timothy had his dreams and fantasies about how Important He Was, and how the World would surely realize this one day. And it was bound to happen any day now.

But the days turned into weeks, and the weeks into months, and then years, and still Timothy was unsatisfied with his station in life. He still didn't receive all the love and attention he felt he truly deserved. Then one day, someone gently left him a Clue as to his present situation. They called him an Asshole.

So he turned to that insensitive clod, and asked, as the tears streamed gently down his checks, "Why did you call me an Asshole?"

And that perceptive individual stated, in no uncertain terms, the following:

• You're brutal, unrelenting, and gleefully sadistic in your criticism of others.
• When others criticize your actions or attempt to use the same techniques on you, you're infinitely hypocritical in your anguished cries of indignation. And then you become even more brutal, unrelenting, and gleefully sadistic in your counter-criticism of them. At which point it become a never-ending circle of gross humor and put-downs.
• You can never stop. You have to win, regardless the cost.
  
• You take great pride in stirring up the digital mob to behave just like you, then you sit back with smug pride and watch the free-for-all.
• And your belief in any issue you decide to support is so narrow, it blinds you to any other point of view so completely that you might as well live your life with your head firmly shoved up your ass.
  

And so, after hearing all of that, he decided to look and see if he was an Asshole. So he covered his head in Vaseline, reached around under his ass, and stuck his head up his ass to see if it any of it were true. And that's when he discovered two important facts about himself:

1. He really was an Asshole, and
2. He really liked living with his head shoved up his ass.

The End